Staged Takeover

How tired we grow of others getting the credit.

You know, the groups which claim titles like the Italian Mafia, the Russian Mafia, the Jewish Mafia, the Gay Mafia, or La Familia.

There is and always will be one family to rule them all: the Redneck Mafia.

Every mob needs theme songs and troubadors to sing ballads retelling the conquests and family love sagas of old for future generations.

Thus, we rely on our compadres, The Three Redneck Tenors, to belch 'n' belt out the music of our subba-bubba couture.

Momma don' sing no bass in this ensemble.

Instead, the former circus ringmaster, Dinny "Colonel" McGuire, tamed the low notes and made them do his bidding as he tied together classic Christmas songs with redneck regalia about Edna Mae, newly widowed due to a woodchipper accident.

The three...no, make that two tenors and one baritone filled the air with the scent of Budweiser beer and the...

I interrupt the train of thought you had been followin' to ask you, "How many talents do you have?"

Is your cousin your male spouse and thus your "cusband"?

Can you sing like Luciano Pavarotti, Placido Domingo, Maria Callas or Leontyne Price? Maybe Lena Horne or the Celtic Women?

Are you a rocket engineer and a member of your local orchestra?

Listening to the classically-trained voices of Matthew Lord, Blake Davison and Alex Bumpas roll off one classic redneck joke after another and then bounce around on stage in duct-taped tennis shoes or high heels and skirt while singing three-part harmony...

Well, you might just know why my train of thought wandered.

Speaking of, "Downtown" Gordon Brown might just know what he's talking about, marshalling the U.S. to lead the light brigade (this time backed by a few battle-hardened battalions and naval battle groups!).

But I digress.

Thanks to the violinist, Allen Ames, and the rest of the band led by Craig Bohmler, choreography by Candace Evans, Lindsay Hilliard's portrayal of Edna Mae, complete with plum coverage (no, not plumage) in the dance of the sugarplum's fairy.

Working an audience is work, from gauging whether an audience will connect Dean Martin to Jimmy Dean to encouraging the crowd to see a squirrel as the chicken of the tree (as opposed to tuna as the chicken of the sea).

Well, that's all my uncharged Kindle battery will allow.

G'nite, y'all. I love all seven billion of ya, even if I feel like kickin' some of ya in the backsides sometimes, hopin' it knocks ya out of the doldrums and into some sense.

Now to make some cents the hard way, one newly enlightened customer at a time!