Off The Record

Overheard in a bar during a ~40th high school reunion:

"I carried the 'football' [nuclear codes] for President Reagan. I was part of the Iranian hostage rescue effort - did you know there was a second team involved?"

"I keep a photo of President Reagan on the wall at home."

"Did you know he approved the invasion of Grenada because he asked himself what would John Wayne do?"

"I saw him in Houston in 1984 and he remembered me as the young kid he talked with at the small airport gathering in 1980. He's smarter than people gave him credit for."

"I still look young because I graduated from high school when I was six and Vanderbilt when I was twelve. Haha."

"My husband here is Navaho, from Gallup, New Mexico. After our white wedding we had an Indian wedding where I had to slaughter and cut apart a sheep to prove I knew how to feed our family. If I cut myself with the knife during the ceremony the wedding was off. He had to cut down a tree and build a lean-to. We have an acre on the reservation we plan to retire to."

"When Nixon was visiting this area, my father's plumbing business partner was driving a load of dynamite down the same two-lane road as the presidential motorcade. He wondered why men in suits were looking under culverts as he was heading to his demolition job. He'd be accused of terrorism these days even if he was a patriotic American on his way to doing a hard day's work."

"The newspaper called my victory a close win even though I had 61 percent of the vote."

"You're better-looking in person than your facebook photos."

"Thanks so much for contributing to the church organ fund in my daddy's name. That was sweet of you."

"I retired after 34 years of teaching 8th grade math. I join your mother and other retirees for the monthly get-togethers now."

"You're young enough to be my son!"

"You were at Camp Pendleton, too? Did you ride out in an LSD until everyone was seasick and then storm I-5 in winter?"

"You used to work in Utah? I'm thinking about moving to Salt Lake City. Are the Mormons very cliqueish?"

"Channel 11 is much more friendly to my husband so he's willing to meet them for interviews about what he's doing for the state. Reducing the budget will be one of his main focuses this term."

"I used to have to hold the antenna up when my father wanted to watch Channel 19 to get the local news."

"Are you the car dealer?"

"I know your father. He used to have an account at my bank. Does he still have that bungalow his grandparents built in Florida in the 1950s?"

"Yes, I'm still involved in Christmas tree sales. But I've got the pine pollen problem now. I drive the truck to pick up the trees and drop 'em off. I open the rear door and step back to let the rest of the Optimists unload 'em at the tree lot."

"Look! There's you and your wife on television wishing us a happy holiday."

"Yep, I can't get away from that, can I?"

"He normally received about 14,500 votes in the previous three elections but only about 12,500 at the last election. I got those 2,000 votes and they wanted to call it close!"

"My younger sister was the drum major in your class."

"My husband and I were at UT at the same time but we didn't meet until years later, after I was married."

"Your sister was my counselor at church camp in 1976. That's where my wife and I met two years earlier."

"When we were little kids I used to call her the Big Boop because she had a big behind. What was that, almost 50 years ago?"

"Shut up and get up on the floor and dance with me."

"I can't for very long. My arthritis is acting up."

"This is my ex-husband. Darling, do you still think I'm the best-looking one in here?"

"Well...maybe."

"Guess that's why you're my ex."

Thanks to Demetrice and Tony for setting up the arrangements, Ashley for her quick, efficient service at the Shack BBQ and Justin Michaels for the one-man band music.

Instructions for Instructors

From my father the professor, my mother the retired 1st grade teacher and my sister the school counselor:

On the 6th day, God created men & women. On the 7th day, he rested.
Not so much to recuperate, but rather to prepare himself for the work he
was going to do the next day. For it was on the 8th day that God created
the teacher.

This teacher taken from among men and women had several
significant modifications. In general, God made the teacher more durable
than other men and women.

The teacher was made to arise at a very early hour and to go to bed no
earlier than 11:30 PM. With no rest in between. The teacher had to be
able to withstand being locked up in an air-tight room with 35 little
monsters on a rainy Monday. And the teacher had to be fit to correct 103
term papers over Easter vacation.

Yes, God made the teacher tough - but gentle too. The teacher was
equipped with soft hands to wipe away the tears of the neglected and
lonely student... of the 16 year old girl who was not asked to the prom.

And into the teacher God poured a generous amount of patience. Patience
when a student asks to repeat the directions the teacher has just
repeated for someone else.

Patience when the kids forget their lunch money for the 4th day in a
row. Patience when 1/3 of the class fails the test. Patience when the
text books haven't arrived yet, and the semester starts tomorrow.

And God gave the teacher a heart slightly bigger than the average human
    heart. For the teacher's heart had to be big enough to love the kid who
screams, "I hate this class--it's boring!" and to love the kid who runs
out of the class at the end of the period without so much as a good bye
or a thank you.

And lastly, God gave the teacher an abundant supply of hope. For God
knew that the teacher would always be hoping. Hoping that the students
would one day learn to spell... Hoping not to have lunchroom
duty...hoping that Friday would come... hoping for a free day... hoping
for deliverance.

When God finished creating the teacher, he stepped back and admired the
work of his hands. And God saw that the teacher was good. Very Good. And
God smiled, for when he looked at the teacher, he saw into the future.
He knew that the future is in the hands of the teachers.

And because God loves teachers so much, on the 9th day God created ...

"SNOW DAYS"